I wake at 3am these days. Sometimes, if there is a perceived threat in my life, I feel that. But often I feel pleasure from the waves of cerebral spinal fluid bathing my brain. It is true. I can feel these things.
This morning early, I thought about my thoughts. I was pruning them. I was deciding which branches of habit were not useful to me. This was a real kick. My brain is a bonsai. I craft it. I order it. I design it.
I know it sounds controlling. And maybe it doesn’t always feel possible. Maybe it is a big full tree and I simply cut off the dead branches.
I love pruning my garden. I love pruning my mind. I love letting go of repetitive, disruptive, consumptive thoughts. Sometimes it takes more information. Mysteries are wildly tempting. I am a creative problem solver. I want to solve the problem. Like a riddle, my brain keeps returning to get it done.
I had been haunted by the riddle of a professional relationship recently. My mind couldn’t seem to let it go. Why did this situation feel so wrong? What had I done to offend this person? Why could I not make this collaboration work? Was this person putting me down behind my back? Was that a paranoid thought? Could I protect myself in some way? What were the correct actions I could take to make it better?
My husband had zero interest in hearing this story. He had heard too much already. I knew he was right. But my brain….arggg….wanted to solve it.
Then I received an email from this collaborator. It was quite confusing. Jumbled. But at 3am, I was able to decode it in its entirety. Mystery solved. I get a lot of my best thinking done at this hour….
I realized that it wasn’t so bad. Someone connected to this collaborator had felt close to me and then a bit rejected. I realized that the collaborator, probably out of an impulse to protect his friend, wanted to hurt me. It didn’t work. I responded to this jumbled email with the warmth I generate in my heart and a clarity of language to describe my position and the reason for my actions.
Once I sent the email, I reduced the experience down to one word. Done. Such a good word. I was free. Now I could move on with my more important ambitions. Make make make. Sell sell sell. Be be be.
A day with myself was again a pleasure. I floated between projects. Smooth. Relaxed. In dialogue with my feelings and my intentions.
Thank you.
Sometimes people are stuck in the clutches of a negative relationship or even the memory of a relationship, for years. All the branches of their tree lead back to it because this branch of thought is so powerful, so established. It is very very hard to get off this branch with willpower alone, even if you know it is dead.
I was able to solve this one with a moment of clarity and a well-crafted email. Sometimes a psychedelic journey is especially helpful. It takes you off the usual bough and leaves you in a mess of mind without your usual foothold. After this dislocation and disorientation, you return to yourself and notice what is dead and what is vital. Psilocybin mushrooms only care about what is alive. The old route was circuitous, inefficient, and ineffective. The old route was dead. It now seems obvious what you should prune and you have the ability to do it.
I love delivering this mental revelation. Prune your bonsai.