One of the greatest challenges in changing your life is that many people don’t know what they want specifically. While I don’t believe that simply knowing what you want will guarantee that the universe will deliver it, having a clear sense of direction certainly helps in making choices.
There are certain emotions that society has deemed undesirable, and jealousy is one of them.
Jealousy may not be the most enjoyable emotion, but our impatience often exacerbates it. We feel desperate for it to pass, longing to achieve what we desire so we no longer have to experience it. Moreover, we are often taught to feel guilty for feeling jealous, as if it indicates a moral failing.
I beg to differ. I believe that jealousy is one of the clearest communicators in the array of emotions available to us. Want to know what you truly, deeply desire? Look for jealousy. Listen to jealousy. Jealousy knows what you want more than almost any other emotion.
When I was new to San Francisco, I was jealous of a pretty dancer who seemed to garner attention from the choreographer running the dance workshop I attended. She exuded confidence and seemed assured of her imminent success. At that time, I wanted to be a sought-after dancer. I was actively auditioning for various companies. Having trained in Ballet since I was three, I craved recognition from choreographers. I worked for three companies and soon after founded my own arts company. Then my jealousy shifted.
I became envious of choreographers who received funding from city, state, and national institutions and foundations. I envied touring companies with abundant opportunities. I envied choreographers with strong reputations and dedicated dancers. I envied those who could sustain themselves through their art.
This jealousy lasted longer. It persisted through my achievements of winning city, state, and national funding, touring nationally and internationally, developing a reputation as a talented and innovative choreographer and director, and forging deep relationships with dancers that have lasted to this day.
Then I envied those who had found their life partner and had groups of friends who did things together (for a long time, all my friends were one-on-one friends—best friends, but not a group). Then I envied people with babies. Then I envied people with houses, cars, and gardens.
So if I track my life, jealousy has always been there, guiding me toward what I wanted, which has shifted many times throughout my life. Often, the people I was once jealous of turned out not to be as successful or enviable as I had imagined, but my jealousy of them was still useful for a time.
Now I have a new set of jealousies. To learn about these, you would need to sit with me for some tea in my garden. I am happy to share, but the real and now requires real and now time.
What has jealousy shown you about your true desires?