I woke up this morning thinking about how I want to be celebrated. I want to make something so great that everyone regards and thinks, “Wow, she’s a genius!” I realized that this is something I have been waiting for my whole life in some way. Then I had to ask myself, ‘Where is this from?’
Objectively, I know that no one really cares a whole lot about anyone else. We have so much to process just being ourselves. Did I miss a window in my psychological development when my father was supposed to give a shit and he didn’t, and no matter how much he affirms me now, it will never be enough? Do I need some major corrective over-the-top experience to fill that hole?
What is celebration anyway? One of my very favorite Ballet teachers, Augusta Moore, used to follow her brilliant sermon about how we have to activate the spot where our bra strap crosses to hold our arms correctly, with a flip: “Let’s celebrate with plies!” Everyone would be so energized to do the most basic exercise that has begun every Ballet class on Earth for the last five hundred years!
How do we celebrate each other, ourselves, and minor wins so we don’t have to do something so amazing that we ruin our lives chasing a goal that isn’t as good as what we can give ourselves today? Maybe I will be celebrated in some big way one day. Maybe my contributions will be recognized significantly. Maybe I am selfish and I have already been celebrated a lot.
But for now, I can celebrate myself. I did a good job at that conference last weekend. I gave a talk I was proud of and performed well even though I was annoyed with the tech support. I didn’t burn it all down and make enemies. I kept my cool and gave my best. I asked my husband to celebrate me with a box of chocolates. He did. I celebrated myself chocolate by chocolate - so proud.
Later that day, my daughter Phoenix told me, “Mommy, that solo you were working on… your talk before that solo was amazing.” She saw me practicing it for the neighbors and remembered a week later. Well if that isn’t the best possible celebration, I don’t know what is! That’s what I was looking for.
Psychedelics can allow you to see the expanding and contracting of the ego as separate from yourself. The ego is doing what it does - adjusting to all the internal stories and external occurrences in our lives. You can observe it and realize that you have some choice. You don’t need to tether yourself to its whim, but you can feed it when it gets hungry.